Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
