I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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