well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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