Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
