When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
