Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
