he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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