the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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