i just sent this text using only my big toe
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
