Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
