I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
