The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
