We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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