if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
