I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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