I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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