I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
