if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
God, I missed his penis.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
