After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
