Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
