My liver just broke up with me...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
