You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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