its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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