omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
be right there i have to get my cape
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize