I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just made out with a guy for $7.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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