Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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