sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
