How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
