Where is the hickey?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
