Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
