the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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