Just took my morning after pill in the library
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
