I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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