saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
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