I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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