Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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