i just sold back the books i vomitted on
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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