Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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