While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
