I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
