dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
