Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
