he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
