I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The best revenge is premature balding
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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