i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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