I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
