??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
