Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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