gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
