even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
